Bringing a child into the world is a monumental moment filled with strength, vulnerability, and uncharted emotions. As a partner, your role during labor is crucial in providing comfort, support, and encouragement. While the urge to say "relax" may be well-intentioned, many people in labor become very frustrated with that word, as simply 'relaxing' is much harder than it seems. In addition, the word 'relax' comes with heavy negative connotations, especially for women; we've been told all of our lives to relax when we show the slightest hint of emotion or passion. Knowing this, there are more effective words and actions that will help your partner cope with the intense sensations of labor.
Understanding the Impact of Words
Words carry immense power, especially in moments of intensity like childbirth. When someone is in labor, specifically while unmedicated, they are in what I call their "monkey mind," or their instinctual brain. They have left logic aside and are being completely guided by instinct. This means that the words you use and the actions you take will be interpreted very differently, and usually through a very emotional lens. So, your partner will need you to be present, engaging, and using words of affirmation and encouragement. Let's look at some words you can use instead of 'relax.'
'Open your jaw'
It is well documented that when people experience stress or anxiety, their muscles tense and tighten, including in their jaws. This will in turn cause more pain and anxiety, and that is not the space you want to be in while in labor. However, consciously releasing tension throughout the body will help the contractions become more effective, less painful, and therefore much easier to cope with. As a birth partner, if you see a tight, closed jaw, a gentle reminder to open her jaw, accompanied by a very light touch or massage (if she's open to touch!) will cue her to start letting go and releasing tension in the rest of her body as well.
'Breathe with me'
Breath work is vital to relaxation in labor. What you are looking for are long, slow, deep breaths that are being sent all the way to the abdomen. These types of breaths relax the mind, body, and resets the parasympathetic nervous system. If you are seeing rapid, shallow breaths that only make it to the chest, you are seeing rescue breathing, which happens when someone is stressed and scared. If you are noticing this rescue breath, simply asking your partner to breathe with you, and then modeling the slower, deeper breaths, will bring her focus to you and away from whatever is causing her to fear the sensations of labor. Once her nervous system has relaxed, you can talk through their fears and help reframe her perception if needed.
'Let me put on your playlist'
Our brains are incredibly complex, capable of performing many actions simultaneously. However, it only allows us to focus on one sensory input at a time. So, if your partner has nothing to distract them from the feeling of their contractions, those contractions are going to feel incredibly intense. Listening to a favorite playlist, affirmation track, or body scan track can actually help lessen their perceived pain, and therefore promotes relaxation. You may have to help her maintain her focus, as it's very easy to keep moving back towards the contractions. This mindfulness method works best when you practice early and often, before you are in labor. Play around with different playlists in pregnancy, and then make sure their favorites are downloaded to your device for easy access.
'Let's try some low moans'
Utilizing vocalization during labor is an effective method to release the energy experienced during labor. Deep, guttural moans are particularly calming and assist the brain in perceiving contractions as safe sensations. It may be necessary to demonstrate these deep, prolonged moaning sounds in order to encourage their use, so it's beneficial to practice them together during pregnancy to avoid feeling uncomfortable when making these sounds in the presence of your birth team.
'I love you'
If you are a romantic birth partner, simply reminding her that she is loved can make her feel safe, calm, and therefore relaxed. If you are not romantically involved, words of affirmation like 'you are strong,' 'you are capable,' and 'you are safe,' will have the same effect. Labor is an incredibly wild ride of emotions, and they can easily forget that they are not alone, that the sensations they are feeling are safe, and often think they aren't coping well when in fact they are doing beautiful work. Your encouragement can quite literally change their entire mindset and stay calm in mind and body.
One final note
The absolute best tip I can give you if you want to be an effective birth partner is to take a birth education class together. These classes are specifically designed to prepare both partners for the journey of childbirth. By attending these classes together, you are not only gaining valuable knowledge and skills, but you are also strengthening your bond as a couple and building a solid foundation of support for each other during labor and delivery.
During these classes, you will delve deep into the various aspects of childbirth, from the stages of labor to pain management techniques and coping strategies. The hands-on practice and guidance from experienced teachers will give you the confidence and skills needed to navigate the emotions of labor with grace and composure.
Moreover, participating in a birth education class will allow you and your partner to explore and understand each other's preferences, fears, and expectations surrounding childbirth. This shared understanding will enable you to communicate effectively and provide the necessary support to each other when the time comes.
By investing time and effort in a birth education class, you are not only preparing yourselves practically for the birth but also emotionally and mentally. The knowledge and skills you acquire in these classes will empower you to be a proactive and supportive birth partner, ensuring a more positive and fulfilling birth experience for both you and your partner.
Commentaires